When my daughter was born, I fell in love with an intensity I couldn't have imagined while pregnant. I discovered within myself a ferocity and also a fragility, both of which were immensely vast and profound. The ferocity was for becoming a protective she-bear, and the sense of fragility made me aware of how every little interaction counts: every word, attitude, every life so precious. She became my world, and I was delighted with it. Of course I had times when I wept because I couldn't get enough sleep to be rational. (guilt begins!)
Each stage of her development was- and is- precious to me. I want to bask in her glow still. I also wanted a second child just two years apart.
I was sick and generally miserable throughout the second pregnancy, and felt so guilty about not being able to enjoy my firstborn more during all those months(guilt picks up more points here). Then once my son was born, I could pick my daughter up again without as much back pain, but I was back to the irrationally sleep-deprived state where "mama is grumpy"...and forgetful, and unenthusiastic... while trying to be gentle, kind, encouraging, perfect (guilt scores some moooore!).
So now I have a beautiful daughter and an extremely enthusiastic baby boy, and here comes more guilt: I can't split in two to give both kids all the attention they deserve. Oh to be a planaria! And so I slowly get more and more run down giving, giving more... an unsustainable rate of burnout.
I started trying to have a mommy night here and there for 2 hours each. In 7 months, I've gotten two afternoons where I had 4 hours to myself. Sometimes I would exercise, other times I would read in a coffee shop. I've seen a few movies, but mostly for the popcorn. And still, I would feel guilty for the escape, for needing to vegetate.
How did I overcome the dreaded Mommy Guilt? Stay tuned for the next blog!
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