Taking care

Since my last post, it feels like 10 years have gone by. All of my time and energy has gone towards taking care of others. Now it's my turn, apparently. My body just told me so in no uncertain terms.

In the fall, my mother became ill, and I flew out of state for 8-12 days at a time to take care of her, and rushed back to comfort my children, whom I had never left before. I'd be home for 1-2 weeks and leave again. I did that until she passed in January, and then returned to her home in Indiana with my sisters to hold her memorial service and make sure her belongings were secure.  Next month we all fly back out to dissolve her estate. That's a fancy way of saying "take what we'll need to sort through later, and then hold a sale for everything else".  It's been emotionally and physically exhausting to care for Mom, the kids, my husband (who has kept working 6 days a week), Mom's affairs, and all the animals on our little farm. There has been no time for me to rest, mourn, or exercise.

I must say I would not have had the wonderful opportunity to be with my Mom like that if it weren't for my in-laws, who moved in and cared for the kids in each of my absences, so my husband could keep working. I am so grateful for that. It was a priceless time to be with her, share memories, resolve past baggage and abandon it, and just love each other. I am keenly aware that many people do not get that, and I'm not complaining. I'm just... wiped out by it.

It's not surprising then, that my health gave out last month. I'm having to seriously rethink my ambitions and goals, and what they demand of me. Why do I choose to do each of these activities that I take on? Do I have something to prove? Are they neat ideas, but insane to implement? *chuckle* At least one of my readers would say so. We're probably going to stop raising rabbits.  We're going to invest in a drip-line system for the veggie gardens so I don't have to hand-water the dang things any more. Those two changes will free up 1-2 hours a day easily. That doesn't sound like much, but it adds up quickly when you're the only one doing it. That's 30-60 hours a month. I could use that time to take better care of myself.

So my new goal is less about getting race-ready, and more about learning to do something I haven't done in ages: take care of myself, regardless of apparent productivity. Can I say that again? This is really, really hard for me: TAKE CARE OF MYSELF REGARDLESS OF APPARENT PRODUCTIVITY. Whew!

First: meditation in the mornings, even with the kids running around. I don't care, maybe they'll eventually join me.
Second: get to the bottom of this never-ending migraine and CRUSH IT. hahahah. I'm serious. I've had one long migraine since March 27th. It's been a game-stopper.
Third: get back to tai chi- I haven't been able to do it much at all this past year.
Fourth: get regular massages until my second goal is met... and maybe keep doing them because I deserve them anyway! :)

Once I am stable, free of pain, and rested again, I am going to get a Rec Center membership. As much as I want to think I will paddle this summer, I also know how I work. "An old patient is better than a new doctor"- an old Tibetan saying. My most successful training in the past was in a gym, or when I had a class (like the ski clinic I did once a week). Sorry. Not in nature by myself. I don't know why- I love being outside. Maybe I just respond better to structure. I think that's why a race, rather than a random trip also appeals. Structure, rules.

But I can't even think about racing now. I have to think about general health and getting stronger again. If I can do that, then I can skate ski this next winter. I missed all last season because I was so tired and spent so much time at sea level tending to my Mom- it's a hard enough sport when you are acclimated, but killer if you aren't- literally. So my plan is to get healthy, and keep revisiting my motivation behind wanting to do this damn race.

Oh yes.
I still want it.