Motive, Part I

A friend was lamenting all the hard work I've done on my rabbit breeding project, and the fact that I was considering giving it up in favor of more downtime to get healthy. I wrote this letter to her, and then realized it applies to more than my farm work. It's the start of my examination of why I want to race. And why I haven't given myself permission to train for that race.

I'm still cogitating on that one to see if it's purely for my own pleasure (and why that somehow seems less valid!), or another trap of proving my worth (in which case I shouldn't do it). In the meantime, I thought I'd share what I wrote to her. I think it would ring true for a few other people out there.

"Right now, I'm not terribly sad about the prospect of getting rid of the rabbits, oddly. Yes, it has been work, but I need to stop running around 'doing' and see the value in taking better care of myself. I tend to equate my value to my productivity, and that's not any better than equating one's value to the money one makes, really. Right? So this is a great opportunity for me to really chew on that little bit of wisdom in an attempt to digest it, and improve the underlying motives driving my decisions.

"Sometimes I wonder if the things I take on are distractions to keep me from investing more fully in myself... rather than rabbits... or big yard projects... sure they feel good to accomplish, but what about my sculpting, which I haven't touched in years, or my physical health, or meditation? These have value- they make me a happier, more peaceful person, and that's as important as any perceived 'productivity'.

"It's time for a paradigm shift. My body is telling me so. :) And that doesn't have to be a sad thing."