What is discipline?

I've been clinging to this goal of mine since 2006, of doing this sea kayak race... through the births of my two children, through the very slow process of reclaiming my body from major injuries and pregnancies, and through the more recent process of having to put myself on hold yet again to give another person's dream first priority. I'm learning to let go of that a little bit, to relax with this journey, to be okay with perhaps not even making my goal of doing this by age 40. When I've had personal projects in the past, I've pursued them with a rigid, myopic intensity that has been unhealthy. Not this time.

In my hunt for a more balanced lifestyle, I discovered minimalism. At first, I saw it as a means to eliminate clutter from the house, to cut down on the things that needed cleaning, repair, or were simply time-suckers for attention and energy. I thought then I might be able to fit in the work-outs I need to be doing if I cleared out the house more.

Then I thought about how having kids simplified my life for me (an organic form of minimalism), freeing me of social obligations as well as some time-wasting, self-indulgent habits. Instead I had to learn to be continually present for these two little people, in all their intensity and need, and still try to keep a functioning house, farm, and marriage. I've never worked as hard as I have in the past 4 years- not at any of my corporate positions, not in retail.... maybe almost with some of my volunteer/non-profit work, but even then I had projects, dealt with mostly-reasonable adults, and then had breaks- it wasn't relentless. Not like full-time parenting.

This winter I caught a glimpse of getting to do something just for me again, in the form of skate-skiing, and tai chi. And I started getting fit. It felt great. Then this job came up for mu husband, which I totally support, and my paddling had to go on hold, and even tai chi has stopped for the first time. My body has lapsed back to softness. It bothers me. And it doesn't.

I've been giving thought to what discipline really looks like in the face of constant change. It can't be rigid, or it's dead. It can't be a formula- how to eat, when to work out, or how time is spent. It has to be a mental state first and foremost. Discipline must be fluid, elastic, resilient, honest, or it will not survive a day. Change doesn't have to mean failure. It means adapting and being able to continue, even if the outward form shifts dramatically, even unrecognizably.

One of the biggest challenges of the UFC race, being 1200 miles, is the length of it: the boring, repetitive, lonely nature of paddling 16-18 hours a day for a month solid. The relentlessness, and the seemingly slow pace of progress, especially when faced with slow-burn injuries, getting knocked around by the wind and water, and wearing down. I like to think that I'm deep in the mental training for this challenge, and I'm finding what it takes to not get worn down mentally. The discipline of resilience. 

Discipline, then, is adaptation. It requires that we constantly evolve.