The summer that wasn't

  Oh, the joy of sleeplessness. To the thief who stole my summer, let me sing an ode... one. last. time.

It all began when we got back from the beach, the beginning of June. The jet lag wouldn't end. I pushed through it, but the lad- my son- was just one developmental leap, teething, or sickness after another, each of which made him unable to sleep for more than 2 hours at a time. All night.

It's the end of August now, and looking back, I think I averaged maybe one proper 4-hour REM cycle a week. This, to put it mildly, is inadequate for a sustained, meaningful existence. Every month or so, I'd have a week where I got up to 3 REM cycles over the course of maybe two or three nights- and I'd get my hopes up that the pattern was breaking.

Then I would get crushed again by The Wakeful One, and experience not just the horribly debilitating fatigue, but the emotional roller-coaster of ALMOST being normal for a day or two; a glimpse into my potential, which I would- once again- helplessly watch seep away as the sleepless nights returned.

Mind you, I don't resent my son for it. It's just how things have been, and I know this will pass. Sadly, this summer has passed with it, as have all of my wonderful plans for training, paddling, getting stronger, getting healthier. I've just been trying to survive. Literally.

There are WEEKS that passed, and I have no recollection of them occurring. July ended and I was stunned. I seriously thought I had two weeks left of that month. It scared me. It was like I had amnesia for periods of time and misplaced little bits of my life from this summer.

So no blogs got posted, no projects got worked on, no books were read, no friends played with. Almost no cleaning, no yard work, no house maintenance. I don't know what I did, but I'm still alive, as are the kids, so I must've been on autopilot. I'm unaware of whether or not I offended people, still have friends- hey, both cats are still around!- or what my daughter thinks of me. It's a strange place to be.

So this week, I've gotten three of those elusive nights with a full REM cycle each night. I feel sane, and my husband was delighted to see me actually acting happy today. I can't help it, and I hope I'm not setting myself up again, but I DO feel hopeful, that THIS time it's for real, that I'll start to sleep more than not, that I can return to the world of normal functionality. I even got to go for a bike ride with the kids this morning- the first time I've had the energy to do so.

The one activity I've refused to drop during this time has been the tai chi. I've gone in shaking with fatigue. I've even had to stop and sit down. I've had to leave early. But I have made it to every single class, unless sick kids or a meeting of my husband's conflicted. And I am mightily proud of keeping that one commitment, where all of my other goals have tanked.

So now, I humbly ask your patience as I re-evaluate my goals, set new ones, and push on. I will do this. There is a long-distance kayak race to complete, and I'm the girl to do it. After this summer's sleepless marathon, I think I can find the chutzpa to survive another type of endurance race.